The standard disclaimer applies here. If you are able to be offended in any way, are alive, dead, or undead, or born after 1820, do not read below. This content is not intended for you.
So across the street, they are building some houses, and the people doing all of the framework are Amish. Now I didn't go over there and ask what sect they were, or study their civilization. They're just Amish, and you can tell because they look like it.
Now, Amish construction is nothing new. The amish are famed for their antiques and shit, and of course they make barns, and whenever you need some special construction project, everyone knows you either recruit the amish or the dutch. But here's the thing. I've been watching across the street for 3 days now, watching these amish build. Right now, there is one using a power saw, one walking across the first floor, dragging a pneumatic nailgun behind him, one operating a crane, and one operating a forklift.
Now... I'm not questioning the QUALITY of the work that the amish do, and they certainly look like skilled workers, very practiced in their art, walking confidently across beams, quickly securing new joists... I just have one question...
WHEN THE FUCK DID THE AMISH DECIDE THEY COULD DO ANY BULLSHIT THEY WANTED?!
I know some groups of amish have different beliefs, but a fucking pneumatic nailgun? That means there's an air compressor, which means there's electricity, and they definitely didn't get that equipment from the town hall. And a crane? And I'm not talking about a little crane for unloading a truck or something. This fucking thing is 5 stories tall, has 4 foot wheels, and eight foot extenders coming off the sides for stabilization. So what's the rule now? You just have to dress a certain way and boom, you're in the club? And if these guys are here building this house, who's taking care of the fucking farm? You know who? Probably god damn robots because I don't know why they'd stop there!
It's not that I don't think that these people should have rights. It's just about principle. If I were amish, and I woke up one day and was like... "Well... I think I'm going to buy a sports car and become a scientist." I don't think I'd keep calling myself Amish. In fact, I think I'd be more like... yeah... I tried that Amish thing. Didn't really work out for me I guess.
I was going to finish up with a paragraph about how I love the amish, but the only thing I could really come up with was how they make a lot of cheese. Aren't there female-rights issues with some groups, and what's with the everyone having the same haircut and growing beards? And look, walking around with amish clothes is fine, we get it, you're amish, we don't care. And the horse and buggy thing, sure. Apparently you can drive a crane but not a car. But please stay off the god damn highway. It's a highway. It was never a simple country path, and it only leads to Walmart. You don't need to be there. It is unsafe for everyone involved.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Individuals
So I just realized that if I fought a midget while I was sitting in a chair, it would be a fair fight. Sorry, 'Little Person'. It's so hard to be politically correct anymore. I only recently realized that I was being racist by calling myself a 'cracker'. Someone would ask me how I was, and I'd say, 'This cracker is doing just fine.' Also, someone asked me if I was offended by racist jokes, and I realized that I probably was, but I wanted to hear the joke anyway, because what if it was funny?
That's what I'm writing about today. Individuality. Did you know, that on a daily basis, 3 individuals read my blog? And did you know that they're usually from Germany? I can only attribute this to one thing: People in Germany are pretty messed up. But that's what makes people individuals, in that we're all different and like different things. Duh.
Anyway, enough about that. I recently got back from a little bit of a vacation in Akron, Ohio. Now, you might ask, 'Dave, why Akron?' and if so, then god I wish you'd shut up. First off, a quarter of a million people live there. What do you think those quarter of a million people do for entertainment, huh? Paint? You think they're all painters and that's all they do, is paint? "What do people do in Akron?" "Oh nothing, all 250,000 of them just work and then paint, and then they throw the paintings away so as not to amass clutter." There's stuff to do in Akron. There's a university, so you could find out where the international student dorm is and watch French girls throw up, or if you were into sports, you could watch some dumbass game about a ball or something. But more importantly, there is good food in Akron, and guess what? I discovered a kickass new dish which I am going to share with you. It is Cheese and Sauce Appetizer. Here's the recipe:
Get some goat cheese
Get some Ragu or something
Put the goat cheese in a bowl or similar container, then put the Ragu on top of it. Nuke it or bake it until toasty, and then dig into it with some chips or pita pieces or bread or something.
*If you want to be fancy, you can make your own sauce from scratch, but lets face it, there's so many different kinds of spaghetti sauce anymore, what the hell is the point?
Boom. $6 and it's awesome. Don't say I never gave you anything. You shifty bastard.
That's what I'm writing about today. Individuality. Did you know, that on a daily basis, 3 individuals read my blog? And did you know that they're usually from Germany? I can only attribute this to one thing: People in Germany are pretty messed up. But that's what makes people individuals, in that we're all different and like different things. Duh.
Anyway, enough about that. I recently got back from a little bit of a vacation in Akron, Ohio. Now, you might ask, 'Dave, why Akron?' and if so, then god I wish you'd shut up. First off, a quarter of a million people live there. What do you think those quarter of a million people do for entertainment, huh? Paint? You think they're all painters and that's all they do, is paint? "What do people do in Akron?" "Oh nothing, all 250,000 of them just work and then paint, and then they throw the paintings away so as not to amass clutter." There's stuff to do in Akron. There's a university, so you could find out where the international student dorm is and watch French girls throw up, or if you were into sports, you could watch some dumbass game about a ball or something. But more importantly, there is good food in Akron, and guess what? I discovered a kickass new dish which I am going to share with you. It is Cheese and Sauce Appetizer. Here's the recipe:
Get some goat cheese
Get some Ragu or something
Put the goat cheese in a bowl or similar container, then put the Ragu on top of it. Nuke it or bake it until toasty, and then dig into it with some chips or pita pieces or bread or something.
*If you want to be fancy, you can make your own sauce from scratch, but lets face it, there's so many different kinds of spaghetti sauce anymore, what the hell is the point?
Boom. $6 and it's awesome. Don't say I never gave you anything. You shifty bastard.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Untitled Blog Post
When you go on vacation and stay in a hotel, it's like a little adventure. Part of that adventure is getting to use someone elses soap and shampoo for a while.
Monday, February 15, 2010
The Sense of Humor of Jesus
I went to Catholic school, and I remember one of the priests once saying that too often, Jesus was portrayed as having no sense of humor, and then he went on to cite several examples of when Jesus did funny stuff, but I don't remember any of them, so I guess they weren't good examples.
I don't remember where I was going with that...
I don't remember where I was going with that...
Saturday, February 06, 2010
ASSASSINATION
People, this post is of the utmost importance. Just yesterday there was an attempt on my life by an ASSASSIN. This is NOT the first, nor will it be the last attempt to end my suffering, most likely. Throughout my years, I have watched William Shatner pilot a space ship, intimidate a hotel owner, host a talk show, and sing a cover of a cure song. Why have I lived such a rich life? Only a fool would ask that. It is because I have not been assassinated.
Here are some tips for you to help survive assassination. Remember that I am a professional, and that simply reading things will not make you skilled, so practice until you are pefrect:
POISONS:
Poisons are some of the most common ways to assassinate people. If you're trying to get one kill, try to poison only a specific person, maybe with a blow gun. If you are trying to kill a whole town, poison their well. So how do you avoid these dangers? Become an expert at staying alive, and do it fast. First off, ALWAYS MAKE SOMEONE DRINK BEFORE YOU DO and then wait a few seconds to see if they die. This could be in a public restroom, or even at the public park. Secondly, if you ever order a drink and it is brought to you in a closed container, such as a can or bottle, they are probably trying to poison you, because if it weren't poison, obviously, someone else would probably have had some. It's not like you're the bees knees. Finally, beware of glasses of water. Many poisons are tasteless and colorless and odorless, just like water (unless you are in detroit). So what better place to put something like that, than with something else JUST LIKE THAT.
DAMES:
Did you know that roughly 50% of assassins are women? Why is this number so high? Because women are specially trained to kill in some instances, obviously. How do you avoid such a common threat as something that happens one in two times? Again, the answer is simple. Dames are almost always trying to poison you. So for the solution to that, see the section above this.
Firearms:
Long-Distance Assassination has made history on man occasions through use of the gun. Also no weapon holds more bullets than the commonly used gun. If used in a specific way, a single bullet can kill a man. So how do you avoid each and every bullet? The answer to this is not so simple, because it is called 'being aware' and can not be taught. The principle boils down to this: If someone is aiming a gun at you, there may be danger. Unless you develop a technology that can figure out where every gun in the world is at every second, you will have to rely on good old fashioned Native American Spirit Senses in order to determine this. John Kenedy, not native american, Abe Lincoln, not native american. John Wilks Booth, not native american. All of these men have one thing in common: Assassinations. A good spirit guide, or native american senses, can alert you to danger, until it is your time to join your ancestors. I have no clue how to find either of these things.
ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE:
Lots of times when you're being assassinated, the person will make it look like you've gone and killed yourself. Why? Because it fools the police, every single time. This is a simple one to get around. Every so often, mail some of the people you know some anti-suicide letters. Just make it say, "Hey, this is #{your_name} and everything is pretty good. Not suspiciously good, but good enough that I'm doing pretty well. I definitely would not commit suicide." And send them off. Then, if someone sets you up, everyone will know.
"John sent me a letter last week saying he wasn't going to kill himself, and now he's killed himself? SUSPICIOUS." is what they'll say.
BLENDING IN:
Anyone who has played TIME ASSASSIN or the new TIME ASSASSIN 2 video game knows that it is important to blend in when you're an assassin. This isn't as easy as just holding a button when you're around monks though, unfortunately. Actually it kind of is. All you really have to do to blend in is not be an asshole and cause a ruckus. You can blend in with movie theater workers just by wearing a movie theater uniform, or blend in at a book club by just bringing the right book and not having a mohawk. Or blend in at a walmart. So what now? You can locate assassins in disguise just by interrogating people. For instance, if someone is at a movie theater, ask them what movies are playing, and then ask them which way to go to get to theater 4. Or if you're at a drive in, ask them how much everything is at the concession stand and if they have to look up the prices they're probably an assassin. Or at the book club, ask them a bunch of questions about the book, like where they got it. Ask them really specific questions, and if they get defensive then they're probably a liar.
Obviously the job of the assassin is pretty easy, since you can do basically any one of a hundred things. The job of avoiding assassins is not so easy, but as I said, train and train a lot, and you will have success.
Here are some tips for you to help survive assassination. Remember that I am a professional, and that simply reading things will not make you skilled, so practice until you are pefrect:
POISONS:
Poisons are some of the most common ways to assassinate people. If you're trying to get one kill, try to poison only a specific person, maybe with a blow gun. If you are trying to kill a whole town, poison their well. So how do you avoid these dangers? Become an expert at staying alive, and do it fast. First off, ALWAYS MAKE SOMEONE DRINK BEFORE YOU DO and then wait a few seconds to see if they die. This could be in a public restroom, or even at the public park. Secondly, if you ever order a drink and it is brought to you in a closed container, such as a can or bottle, they are probably trying to poison you, because if it weren't poison, obviously, someone else would probably have had some. It's not like you're the bees knees. Finally, beware of glasses of water. Many poisons are tasteless and colorless and odorless, just like water (unless you are in detroit). So what better place to put something like that, than with something else JUST LIKE THAT.
DAMES:
Did you know that roughly 50% of assassins are women? Why is this number so high? Because women are specially trained to kill in some instances, obviously. How do you avoid such a common threat as something that happens one in two times? Again, the answer is simple. Dames are almost always trying to poison you. So for the solution to that, see the section above this.
Firearms:
Long-Distance Assassination has made history on man occasions through use of the gun. Also no weapon holds more bullets than the commonly used gun. If used in a specific way, a single bullet can kill a man. So how do you avoid each and every bullet? The answer to this is not so simple, because it is called 'being aware' and can not be taught. The principle boils down to this: If someone is aiming a gun at you, there may be danger. Unless you develop a technology that can figure out where every gun in the world is at every second, you will have to rely on good old fashioned Native American Spirit Senses in order to determine this. John Kenedy, not native american, Abe Lincoln, not native american. John Wilks Booth, not native american. All of these men have one thing in common: Assassinations. A good spirit guide, or native american senses, can alert you to danger, until it is your time to join your ancestors. I have no clue how to find either of these things.
ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE:
Lots of times when you're being assassinated, the person will make it look like you've gone and killed yourself. Why? Because it fools the police, every single time. This is a simple one to get around. Every so often, mail some of the people you know some anti-suicide letters. Just make it say, "Hey, this is #{your_name} and everything is pretty good. Not suspiciously good, but good enough that I'm doing pretty well. I definitely would not commit suicide." And send them off. Then, if someone sets you up, everyone will know.
"John sent me a letter last week saying he wasn't going to kill himself, and now he's killed himself? SUSPICIOUS." is what they'll say.
BLENDING IN:
Anyone who has played TIME ASSASSIN or the new TIME ASSASSIN 2 video game knows that it is important to blend in when you're an assassin. This isn't as easy as just holding a button when you're around monks though, unfortunately. Actually it kind of is. All you really have to do to blend in is not be an asshole and cause a ruckus. You can blend in with movie theater workers just by wearing a movie theater uniform, or blend in at a book club by just bringing the right book and not having a mohawk. Or blend in at a walmart. So what now? You can locate assassins in disguise just by interrogating people. For instance, if someone is at a movie theater, ask them what movies are playing, and then ask them which way to go to get to theater 4. Or if you're at a drive in, ask them how much everything is at the concession stand and if they have to look up the prices they're probably an assassin. Or at the book club, ask them a bunch of questions about the book, like where they got it. Ask them really specific questions, and if they get defensive then they're probably a liar.
Obviously the job of the assassin is pretty easy, since you can do basically any one of a hundred things. The job of avoiding assassins is not so easy, but as I said, train and train a lot, and you will have success.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Unemployed
So tomorrow is my first official day of being unemployed. As you may or may not know, I have left my job at SproutBox. It was a great time, but times can not always be great, and by that I mean I left Indiana because I met my lover and now we live somewhere else and I'm going to go back to school for my masters.
So as not to become unproductive, I have a pretty sweet schedule for tomorrow:
Wake up when Heather wakes up (This varies depending on how many times she mumbles '10 more minutes')
Build $1200 worth of Ikea furniture
Buy a package for GRE test practice type stuff
Work on a library I'm making for Ruby demonstrating various mathematical principles
Buy dental floss
Yeah. Unemployed my ass. That's a workin' man's schedule. Also, I need to do some laundry up in here. Heather keeps stealing my jeans. To what end I do not know.
So as not to become unproductive, I have a pretty sweet schedule for tomorrow:
Wake up when Heather wakes up (This varies depending on how many times she mumbles '10 more minutes')
Build $1200 worth of Ikea furniture
Buy a package for GRE test practice type stuff
Work on a library I'm making for Ruby demonstrating various mathematical principles
Buy dental floss
Yeah. Unemployed my ass. That's a workin' man's schedule. Also, I need to do some laundry up in here. Heather keeps stealing my jeans. To what end I do not know.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Working
Me: I'm having a stupid moment
Me: this should not come as a surprise to you
Cameron: not really
Me: this should not come as a surprise to you
Cameron: not really
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